The names and everyone in this blog have been changed for legal reasons...also these are my experiences of what happened in 2019....everyone has their own version....my version has never changed and never will.... Before i continue, i will say that my goal and plans that i put into action for 2019 all happened...not at the dates i planned....but they still happened...so my advice for 2020 is no matter what keep believing, keep asking and trust in YOU and the universe....i asked for a new car, a holiday, new house, build my business all year and compete my courses and find love! which i manifested...not in the way i thought...but that the universe for you.....and as i keep saying....its not the way you want its the way fro your highest good...xxx Rachelle xxx
As we are coming to the end of 2019.....its easy to say what we haven't achieved....but when you look back over the last 3, 6 and 12 months what have you actually achieved? ...big or small...it is still something to be proud of.....I know I am....2019 was a definite year of lessons - relationships, parenting, business, friendships and amazingly in it all finding the one! as i reflect back on the year, there is going to be pain, there is going to be tears but most of all there is going to be laughter....i hope this blog empowers you to know that even on the darkest days there is still hope, faith and something better coming...YOU just need to BELIEVE in YOU, TRUST IN YOU and most of all KEEP GOING!!!!!!
So where do I begin......I suppose back in January 2019.....I had the worst NEW Year ever, i'm not going to lie, I thought this year was going to be different, but it wasn't I was heartbroken.....I don't know if that's fair to say, I suppose if you read my last blog, you would know what happened with me & Mr London....anyway suffice to say that it didn't happen...looking back now, I think on my part it was lust - it was just the fact that I was getting attention - but lets be honest was he really giving me the attention I sooo deeply wanted - No in short answer...I was just a bit of string dangling that he felt he could pick up when he wanted to and when he felt lonely.....as I mentioned in my last blog, I messaged him Christmas day and ended "whatever" the relationship was....anyway fast forward a few weeks in January in my sessions and meditation my GG kept saying Mr London,….so i said to my friend and she was like message him….so i did!!!!!!!! BIG MISTAKE!!!!!! if i can give one piece of advice its if someone ghosts you get your own closure and don’t hold onto the past! so I sent him a message wishing him a happy new year….and that I knew he had a lot going on and if he needed to chat i was there with no pressure….i did say i wouldn’t message him again as I didn’t want to be a stalker – EEEHHH RED FLAG ALERT!!!! so me being the new me even said – I know you had your reasons and I will never ask unless you want to tell me…..so I said new year, new start…always and forever R…..SOOOOOOO…….he replied…… so his response was you don’t know how much I missed this! i know i have been a bad boy but i will make it up to you one day, i really appreciate you understanding …then he went on to say one day I will make it up to you…still being me though – RED FLAG!!!!!! Miss you…..WELL…..from that day I deleted everything and thought I deserve sooo much more than this shit! he ruined my Christmas because he didn’t have the balls to tell me that he was going to try again with his EX! still trying to dangle me on a string and build up my hopes…but I had been doing the work and I was stronger, I didn’t need this shit…I had me….I had my daughter …..that was enough….I had a few more lessons to learn and went on a few more dates…. so from that day forth, I deleted everything to with Mr London and jumped back on Tinder, yeah I was still getting over a heartbreak so they say jump back on that horse......and I did! See a positive in every shit lesson, and I think my lesson from reflecting on this was that I became aware of myself and I had learned that doing the work and studying my relationship psychology diploma that I was going through Anxious Attachment which can make you feel needy and worried....but I will explain more on this in a few minutes as it becomes more apparent as the few months go on....
February, marked a new month, I did work in my coaching group and started healing myself, allowing me to feel the pain...crying - yep - I know I never cry but i was truly gutted...why? the guy never showed me anything but making time to come to Glasgow, although he never bought me a birthday present, which I made excuses, but it was my 40th and maybe i just needed the closeness or the thinking that someone was caring for me, so walking and mediating - yes walking meditation is a thing! this really cleared my mind. I then met another guy called T....yep...on tinder! we chatted for a few weeks and then eventually met up the week after valentines day...we were meeting in town as he stayed a wee bit away from Glasgow, we it on our date and things were going well...but after our first date things went a bit weird...I did a party one night with one of my closest friends (at this time - but more later) it was a big party of 13 people and i didn't get finished until about 2am...so me and Mrs E went to Mcd's for something to eat and also to wind down our energy as working with Reiki and spirit you need to have sugar - well for me anyway and take tine out just watching or doing something to chill....so then i gets a message as i switched my phone off as i needed it for music saying that he went to bed early and that was him just getting up and going to work...mmmh... - more like just getting in - people forget that sometimes when your psychic you pick up on things - not all the time by the way.... but its like something goes off in my head and i'm like your talking shit! so i never heard from him that day at all...and then when i did it was like one worded answers and not very much....so me being me...was trying to play it cool...as you see i had been doing my relationship diploma and i leaned that i had become Anxious Attachment dependant...which i will be doing a workshop on all o these as there is loads more, but basically this is where having an anxious attachment style means you have a greater need for intimacy and emotional closeness. It means you require frequent reassurance from your partner that they love you, that everything is great between you, and that they're there for you no matter what. Not that i need him to reassure he loved me lol....but the fact that i needed that communication, which all stems from being with Darcey's dad, but maybe before that i had issues, i know this is something that i have worked really hard on and have became more aware on who i am and how this affects my relationships, even friendships....maybe....but my friendships are a different game! anyway...a few days went on and i decided to ask him out on a 2nd date.....well i should have seen the red flag there....and its quite apt that while i'm writing this i am watching "hes just not that into you!" lols.....love it....he was like...i'm supposed to be going out with my mate to Glasgow...i will let you know....well a few days and i still didn't know what was happening...so after speaking to a few friends who i met through my reiki session -they are clients who i have became good friends with - they were like why are you putting up with this shit...did you not learn anything from Mr London...and they were right...i deserved better...why was i taking this shit! i run my own business, and i was a independent woman...i knew what i wanted and i did deserve sooo much better.....so i just ended up playing the game...why is it when you reach a certain age its like all these shit games...i suppose it was like that when i was younger but maybe i was more oblivious to it! so it fizzled out, i deleted his number and all his messages, i couldn't be arsed with all these shit games! going back to my relationship psychology diploma, i started reading men are from mars and women are from Venus and the 5 languages of love. These have really helped me understand who i am, but i have also learned to love myself and practised communicating my feelings - which if I am quite honest, i struggle with - not so much now as i have learned my lesson on holding onto the shit....as the only person suffering is YOU...i say this is in all honesty cos i have been there....its much easier to manage the shit than hold onto it...so i you want to scream, cry, be angry and punch something - not a person - then do it! its the best feeling in the world....so getting back to my stories....so i went back on tinder - now this was around the end of February and then i met J....so we went on our first date within a week o chatting, every morning he would message me a message and during the day at his break and lunch, this was so different from other relationships - i took a step back as i had learned from my previous escapades that i came across as needy when i really wasn't....J was a true gentleman, we were seeing each other a few weeks before i introduced Darcey, as childcare was an issue for me and my mum was growing suspicious...they both got on really well...and to this day still do...Darcey looks to J as her dad, even though we have chatted and she understands that hes not and i have made it clear to him that Darcey is my responsibility and i would never put that pressure on him. So after a month of seeing each other, J says that he has decided that he wants to buy a house....my mum also said that she was selling her house after 40 years, so i started looking for them both....now what i'm going to say next will come as a surprise because it did to me.....so i started house hunting for everyone...J and my mum.....so while looking at houses for them, i get a letter from the housing saying that i was being offered a viewing! Now i stayed in my flat for 10 years! when i split from Darcey's dad i tried to move, but was told that i didn't have any points and that i would need to do an exchange....now who is going to want a 2 bed top floor flat! with 60 millions stirs - slight exaggeration but it was loads....so for the last 7 years i had it in my head that i was just going to be in the flat until i either got a mortgage or until i died...so by aligning myself up without even realising what i was doing....when i split with Darcey's dad 7 years ago, i asked to be re-housed not only because we split but also because there was a lot of anti-social behaviour in the building, which i have to be honest did calm down the last few years, but working in Criminal Justice and being in the environment of working with offending behaviour the last thing you want to do is come home to this as well......so i came to view the house, at first I thought it was another flat, not sounding snobby, but i know that it might come across like this, i was like why would i move from anew build to a manky old flat! but i went to the wrong building, as the google maps will bring you to the back instead of the front...so i eventually found the house, well maisonette....at first i wasn't sure if being honest, i liked the house but because it was a bit away from Darcey's new school and it was storage heaters, these are two things that were putting me off... then i found out i was at the top of the housing list! Which i don't think the people who were also viewing were too happy! .....so the housing officer advised that i only had Friday to make the decision....2 days to decide if i want to move and i can't even get access to view again, so i took Darcey after school to see it and she was so happy....she wanted to move...she didn't like living in the flat....so the decision was made...i called the housing the next day and said i would take the offer....i had one week to clear all my shit of 10 years and move into my new house because i would have 2 rents to pay the longer i stayed at Whitelaw Street....Darcey was incredible, she helped me move everything into bags and even helped carry everything down the stairs...J helped with the move too...without them both i don't think it would have been possible to do it....Darcey did stay at my mums for a weekend so i could just get tore in...as this wasn't fair on her....but we got there....we moved in to the house in April.....Darcey felt happy at first, but then realised that she had no friends and started to get isolated being here.....the same for me, i felt that i had made the wrong move, i found it difficult to settle too....the new house, was smaller than the flat, i missed my balcony and being able to sit out there when the sun went down....i was struggling.....at first i thought it was change....sometimes coming out your comfort zone can be scary and fearful, but in order to move forward you need to sometimes make these changes....regardless of how you feel its sometimes its necessary and only now i can see the reason why i had to move....not because of anything serious but or me to start a new chapter in 2020....i have sooo many things happening just now that i can't talk about until next year, but this plan is moving faster that i could think.....
Skipping forward 3 months and i still struggles, i think i have wrote about this before, i was in a bad pace, i was really demotivated, i didn't have the energy to work, i wasn't myself..i wasn't believing in myself, i doubted everything i had done and was doing.....i was crying, which anyone who knows me, knows that isn't me....i was on a downward spiral...i knew i wasn't feeling myself, i just kept putting it down to the house and me not being happy....all i can say is poor J...i really put him through the ringer, i was nasty and if you didn't know me, i would have even said i was being hormonal...thats how bad it was....but i knew it wasn't J....how did i know this because he went back home for 2 weeks to see his mum and i was still the same....i actual missed him...i missed moaning to him and seeing his wee face.... i knew i couldn't live like this and i knew something had to be done.... so i got my big girl pants on and took action...i'm always sooo good at giving people support and advice that i never really do anything for me...yeah i do the work and i do try and be positive but this time was different.....i was stuck...i just couldn't put my finger on it....i even though that someone hexed me, thats how bad it was....i tried everything but i decided that now was the time to see the Doctor..... i got an appointment at the Dr's and explained to her how i was feeling..i even told her that i couldn't understand why i was feeling like this...i told her my job and even laughed....so she prescribed me some medication which was Prozac...she gave me a 30 day course...which i started taking...but during this time i had red lags coming up again....this was to do with friendships....
I met N through my study group and we instantly clicked...i felt an instant response when we chatted, it was like we had known each other for years and not just weeks....then one day she posted cards on her page and i could really connect with what she had written so i messaged her and said that i could connect with what she had said and i said that over the last few months i had felt really disconnected....but during this time i was having doubts with friendships....i kept getting shown red flags, things weren't making sense for me and i started doubting myself......i knew i had to trust my gut instinct....then one day - i think it was a Saturday - i said to myself...why are you taking these tablets you know what the issue is ...your giving away your power....once i had made this realisation...that was me...i knew how i could move forward....if you read my energy vampire - which i wrote after i realised this then in the blog it gives you ideas on how to set boundaries....without going into too much detail i realised that i had to cut ties....now this wasn't just one thing....there was a build up and different things started making sense....for now i am going to leave this here as i know my truth and this is something that i find difficult to discuss...not that because i don't want to but i don't think its fair on the other people involved in this situation....because they have their own truths and this is something that i know one day i will move on from and will heal from.... but or now, my lesson in this friendship was that i should never mix with business with pleasure as it will end in tears....i was the one who got hurt...but what i will say is that never once did i say that the friendship was over....but that's the persons prerogative and they felt that had to cut ties.... because they no longer had MY power......my lesson from this situation was to firstly, that i should never give my power to anyone....i should have stayed with my boundaries up...but this was a big lesson for me....i don't even give my power to J so why did i give it to this person....secondly i have been running my own business for 5 years without anyone's support and it has been successful....so what had changed....giving away MY POWER.....so these 2 lessons i learned have been really valuable and this is what i liked about N.....when we first chatted she knew all about my friendships...and maybe this is why i don't have many friends and maybe thats my TESTIMONY.....but i like it like that...sometimes having friends is over-rated.... or maybe i have been attracting the wrong friends as this isn't the first time it happened.... when i started out 5 years ago...i had a friend - well who i thought was my friend - and asked i she wanted to go into business with me...she refused...said she wasn't ready but then a week later was telling me that she was going to setup a business from home....why can't people be honest....maybe i am too honest or my own good....so then i felt really let down and drifted from this friendship....then the next friendship again....i felt i was being pushed into a direction that i didn't want to go in and felt cornered...so again i walked away....yeah i have a pattern where i have learned that sometimes is better to take a step back and reflect...i have now learned not to react to other people's opinions as this is just their truth not mine....it might look like i'm being a coward but anyone who knows me i am defo not...but sometimes its wise to choose your battles.....and this wasn't one that i needed to choose....this would be seen for what it was one day....so since cutting ties with this friendship i have grown....my page has got more page likes, i have been so much busier and i feel much more confident in myself....lots of things have changed for me, some that i can't discuss just now as this is for next year.... but just letting go of one person can make a big massive difference.....my lesson was that i didn't need anyone to be successful in my business...i could do it all myself and this is what i was being taught...you need to TRUST and HAVE FAITH IN YOU! NO ONE ELSE! the moment you start giving it to others you loose your own worth and start doubting yourself......
My relationship with J is going from strength to strength since i have came into my own.....i have made strong friendships with some of my clients - you know who you are - and they have taught me to learn to trust and believe in myself again...i know that these are friendships that will grow stronger over time and i know i can rely on...for now the right people are in my life and these are the connections that i go on about on my page.....
My last words that i would say that I have learned from this year is to TRUST, BELIEVE and HAVE FAITH IN YOU.....like the cards that i have pulled or the last few months have been advising that the power starts with you and no one else.....so what does 2020 hold for me and Reiki in the City.....well loads.....i really can't wait to share my news with you all in 2020 but it probably wont be until Feb once i have everything clarified....i will have my new house....i will also have my Academy Grow & Glow up and running and most importantly being accountable of my actions....2020 is going to be a year of action....walking the walk and not just talking the talk....
I hope this gives someone light at the end of the tunnel and knowing that just because its a shit day doesn't mean that its going to be like for the rest of your life...change your mindset now...it takes 21 days to break a habit...i will be starting loads of taster workshops on my academy where you can try these out for free....and if you like you can subscribe...we will be kicking of the new year with goal setting...this will be creating a morning routine, setting goals, managing time and lots more or the month of January.....no more excuses....no more I'm too busy...because if you really wanted you would make time....and this is what i'm going to be discussing in 2020...i am going to be more stricter with appointments which will become more apparent as we move forward....so if your serious about wanting to make changes then you will make time to do this...its your choice...you either want to move forward in 2020 and grab the goals and take action or you want to keep plodding along and feeling sorry for yourself being stuck in the same old same old.... the choice is yours......
Have an amazing 2020 whatever your doing and just know you got this! xxxxx
Rachelle xxxxxxx
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