As we move into phase 3 of lockdown in Scotland, I swear I have never felt anxiety like this. I was starting to prepare for the transition and was helping Darcey get prepared too, but she doesn’t seem to be too bothered about going out and about, compared to other children I know.
I think from the very beginning I have made a point of taking Darcey out and showing her the real world and telling her that this is the new normal, she sat in the car while I did the shopping and she’s seen people wearing masks so it all “normal” for her.
When the First Minister announced that we could start seeing friends and family and we could start going out I was fine, It didn’t bother me, but what I started to panic about was being close to people I didn’t know. I mean for all I know I could be a carrier; I could pass on this “virus” without even knowing, I haven’t displayed any symptoms and have felt fine during this pandemic.
I suppose my first nightmare started when Darcey got invited to her best friends birthday, originally it was supposed to be in the garden, but it then got changed to the house incase the weather wasn’t good, this wasn’t what scared or freaked me out, it was the fact that Darcey’s best friends mum is ill, and should be shielding. I know she’s careful and that (I hope) that she wouldn’t put herself at risk, but I was like omfg, I cant say to Darcey you’re not going because of my fears, she was sooooo excited, she hasn’t seen her friends since March, even thought she chats to them on Roblox, facetime and tik tok (I think) , so I messaged and asked if Darcey could come or meet them in a park and I would bring the coffee, as I thought this was much safer than going to someone’s house. It ended up that Darcey went for a few hours the night before the party.
So before going to her friend’s house, I made her change clothes, even though we spent all day in the house, as we have only really been going out if necessary, as I don’t think I have been so scared of catching something in my life, even the flu can kill me because of my asthma., but you never think of it because it’s the flu!
So as we were leaving the house I made Darcey wash her hands, I actually sprayed her with Dettol spray and wear, which I’m going to use with my clients when I can start taking in person appointments, as this is allegedly kills 99.9% of the bacteria, not sure about the “virus” but its DETTOL!!!!! So when we arrived, I stayed in the car and Darcey ran up to her friends door, I made sure she had her face mask and I told her as soon as she got to her friends to go straight to the bathroom and wash her hands. AGAIN!!!! I message her friends mum and said that Darcey had been sprayed with Dettol and that she needs to wash her hands as soon as she enters the house, I don’t think I have ever been so OCD in my life.
My next nightmare began when the announcement was made that beauty salons could re-open. Well…. that was it!!!!!!!!…. I went back to my younger self, the person I have tried so hard to change in the last 20 years, in my 20’s I was so angry, I had a temper and I really was confrontational, I have worked really hard to manage my anger, especially after I had Darcey. I grew up in a volatile atmosphere, don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all bad, but it wasn’t all roses either…my dad was more a mental abuser than physical, if being honest he never really smacked us, except once, when our dog ran away…but he was more shouting and throwing things.
I vowed I would never behave like this with Darcey and I have tried so hard to do this, don’t get me wrong, I am human and I do get angry but not the extent I used too, however from Friday (10th July – just incase your reading this at a later date lol) I have never felt so anxious and angry and everything in between! So, this is when it all started!
The announcement was made as you all probably heard that beauty salons could be re-opened from the 22nd, HOWEVER!!!!! This did not apply to holistic therapist, massage therapists or complementary therapists! BUT people were insisting…so I had already contacted a local MP because I was confused, this was like stepping back in to time during my social work days, but to be fair I worked in criminal justice so a lot of my work was black and white, while other areas were grey, this is why I get so upset when I see social workers getting the blame, we don’t get prepared or trained or this when we do our degree, most of our learning takes place after the study and the fact…..this is where we learn! And also because its so much easier to blame Social Work for most things, and sometimes I have to say admittedly its justifiable ON SOME OCCASIONS but not all…. but that’s defo a different story for another day!
I have been working with my friend during this pandemic, as she’s quite involved with activist stuff and politics, which is amazing as she can sometimes make head and tail of this confusion and put some light on this for me…so we chatted and she like Rachelle, I genuinely don’t think we can yet, as she had sent me a publication that went out on the Scottish Government website on the 8th July, so that was fine, I contacted a few people I knew that I thought would like to be kept in the know….so I thought everything was ok….
Friday afternoon, I decided to nip in my local supermarket – not naming names as why should I give them free publicity lol – so walks in as I had to post a winner’s prize as I had it here for 2 weeks, every time I went to the PO it was mobbed! Because its in the supermarket! I completely forgot, if being honest that I was mandatory to wear a mask now, so jumped in to the queue and I got stopped by the security guard asking me “WHY am I not wearing a mask?” I actually froze, I was stunned at first as I wasn’t expecting it…to be honest I was gobsmacked ....I stuttered and stumbled and finally the word came out my mouth, "I can't wear a mask...im asthmatic" the security guard looked at me, unconvincingly and I had started pulling out my inhaler and an old script for my inhaler, the security guard was like thats ok, your exempt, but I felt I was being accused , I know he was only doing his job, but I still felt like I had done something wrong. Me and Darcey had practiced wearing a mask and I felt claustrophobic and I felt ill, I couldn't breath and never before did I ever think that I would ever feel the way I did. I had to take my inhaler several times and I thought Darcey was going to have call an ambulance,
I went around the supermarket with a basket quickly, everyone was staring at me, because I didn't have a facemask on, I felt like I was being watched and people were quick to make judgements, maybe it was the way I was feeling, but I swear I have never felt so intimated on my life and it takes a lot to make me feel this way….so my advice at this point, no matter your views on wearing face masks, please try NOT TO JUDGE those who can’t, its not they cant be arsed or bothered, it’s the fact that they are unable to, being restricted in breathing was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life, so put yourself in other peoples shoes and think Why they can’t instead of making a snap judgment….because it is a matter of life and death for this person.
I got my shopping but didn’t really get what I actual needed, I think that’s the quickest I have eve been in a supermarket, when I came out – as Darcey stays in the car – she was like Mum are you ok, I was shaking and then I just burst out crying, my daughter has never seen me like this, but it does make a difference and how people treat you also has a big impact on people….I have got to the point where I hate going shopping because I don’t want people frowning or staring at me because I don’t have a bloody face mask on. I know that when I am working again I will need a mask and this is why I bought a visor so that this is not restricting me and I am able to still speak without restriction.
Saturday I got a text to say that the UK Reiki federation had informed its members – across the UK – that they could practice, so with all the shit that has been going on I had to check for myself….and it was TRUE!!!!! WONDERFUL…. Love this news…I was soooo fecking excited…...I then messaged my friend, tell her and she like are your sure? Lol... I was like yeah, I checked it all out and it defo says that Scotland can practice….so you all know the rest cos I did a wee live…...
Sooooo then this is where the nightmare began……then I got a message on the Sunday saying that “Hands on therapies” were not allowed in Scotland, and that the UK Reiki federation issued the wrong information, I was soooo angry, I had just spent the day being excited and getting back to some “new normal” and was looking forward to getting to see my clients and friends. I then had to come back on the page and tell everyone that until further notice I wouldn’t be able to practice and go ahead with my appointments. I managed to calm down but something wasn’t sitting right with my gut, and it wasn’t either yesterday, so in a way I was glad the news that it was wrong sort of gave me relief…I don’t know if I was ready to start work again…I don’t know if I was prepared….I think with all the rules and regulations that this has freaked me out and this is my home that I live in so I need to make sure it safe…
The next day, Monday I received an email from a local MP that I had contacted - it was the MP’s assistant – and she stated that from the 22nd July I could start working again! I was like WTF!!!!!!! I knew in my gut it was wrong, I knew the Scottish Government had said that those who were working in close contact were not allowed to practice until further notice…. I totally lost it and I mean lost it! I went back to my younger self when I was 20….I was SOOOO ANGRY I lost the plot, I went into the supermarket , and wore a bandanna, I thought this would be better than wearing a mask…how fecking wrong was I …. I swear in the whole 20 mins I was in the supermarket, I took my blue inhalers 9 times, my glasses steamed up and I literally thought I was going to take a heart attack! I was struggling, thankfully I got out the shop and quickly took off the bandanna…. I have never been so relieved in my whole life…. So this made me even more angrier because I felt everything was closing in on me….I messaged my friend who I have been chatting to about this shit that’s been going on over opening back up and told her what the MP said, so I message the MP back and said – without trying to be rude, that they had the information wrong, even my friend said she was going to contact the MP’s around her that she knows to see what the actual feck was going on….so the MP wrote back and said that she would contact the Parliament info centre, within a few hours, they got back and said yes, I was able to go back to working…I KNEW….I KNEW THIS WAS WRONG! The more I thought about it the angrier I got…I swear I was like the hulk….I was going mad…..I had all this ager inside me, where did it come from, was there something else triggering this…I still don’t know even as I’m typing, I think it was a mixture of people telling me this info and then coming back with contradicting info, this took me back to the days in my social work times where it was all grey fucking areas and the responsibility was put back on us…no clear guidelines….also my call centre days too, where there was change but no one would really explain….it was all fucked up! I just lost it…..i know this doesn’t sound like me but I was just looking for someone to argue with, I was ready or a fight, even if someone looked at me the wrong way I was going to blow….i was like this when I was in my 20’s I was on destruction mode, I would argue with anyone and everyone, I was hot headed and had a temper, I had worked so hard not to be that person but it seeped through, maybe this nightmare has taught me that I still have work to do on myself even though we think that we are in a better place there is always going to be that trigger and that’s when you need to learn to manage situations that could escalate and take you back to where you were…this was my karmic lesson, this was something that I know I had to work with, my shadow self, this is part of me I have buried and thought I could suppress but it’s not and I now recognise this and this is going to support me on my shadow work practitioner course which I can help you….
The next day the MP emailed again to say that the information that they had provided was incorrect! I KNEW IT….I KNEW MY GUT WAS RIGHT! From this I have learned to trust my gut and if something is of to go with it…..I was SOOO happy, not that I couldn’t work in person, but happy that I knew my intuition was on point – why did doubt myself! Why did I not listen to myself…my guides, the universe…they keep me on the right path – well sometimes, as I know I need to learn from myself and not rely on them all the time…but I just knew!
Since last week, I have learned new strategies that I want to share with you….as you know I follow Gabby Bernstein, who is my idol, I love her work and I love the way I can connect with her….so I went back to basics…..I started reading my books again…I sat and watched some of her videos…I also watched Russel Brand too, even though he’s like marmite, but I have always liked him, since the big brother days lol….he’s always been outspoken and I like that act…I have also been doing some work with Abraham hicks and Dwayne Dyer….so these are my tips from what I have been reading and taken from this nightmare! I hope these help you too:
© Visualise your day …..I know this can be really hard for some people as it can be tricky to visualise but here is one way you can begin: Tomorrow morning, start your day with a vision of how you want the day to unfold. Picture yourself getting up and put a smile on your face. Imagine doing what you do for the day, work, spending the day with the kids feeling gracious and grateful and completing your tasks with ease. Imagine greeting your family or friends in the evening.
How do you want to feel? Allow yourself to cultivate the feelings you desire. Dwell in them, knowing it’s safe to feel good.
Hold this vision in the morning and remind yourself to stay in the day throughout the day. And if a day is too much for you, just keep it in the moment. That can be really profound.
From my superattractor journal: I honour how I want to feel!
© Surrender your plans to your inner guide!
I took this from her book because after reading this it got me to think!
If like me, you are struggling or worrying about thing out with your control, then I begin with a mantra, or an affirmation, meditation or prayer, whatever you want to call it and say the following, this is showing that your willing and ready to receive! Take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. When you’re ready, read the following passage and then sit for one minute of stillness
“Today I surrender my plans, my will and my fears to the care of my inner guide. I accept that there is a greater plan for me than what my small mind may have had in store. Today I welcome the voice of love to come forward and guide me, teach me, and lead me to a happier state of mind so I can bring more light to the world”.
© Ask for guidance with an affirmation
Use the following affirmation:
“Inner guide, I welcome you to show me where to go, what to do and what to say.”
Say this affirmation throughout the day. Make it your mantra. When you reaffirm your desire to receive guidance and then pay attention, you will be amazed by what comes through! It does work!!!!!
© Get grounded with your mantra anywhere/anytime!
“Peace begins with me!” every time you feel like your loosing control or feeling like you need to be grounded say this until you feel the need to stop! This will help you calm and centre.
© Release Judgement all day long!
Try to not judge and be harsh with yourself….realign your thought using your mantra above…the more you make this choice the less you will judge and be harsh… see how this changes you behaviour and how this can make a big impact…..
If you want o look more into this, then I am holding a workshop on anxiety around August time which can be done individually. Why not sign up to my newsletter and receive special offers and promotions that are coming out over the next months.
Rachelle xxxx
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