You never think its going to happen to you....it happens to other people you don't know, but when it happens to you...its like what the fuck! What i am about to write is MY personal experience of what has happened about death and miscarriage, two subjects that no one ever wants to talk about.....why? thats maybe what the issue is because we don't talk about it we don't deal with and it and because we don;t deal with it, we don't heal....we are too good at slating and trolling people and not actually taking tome out to understand what other people are going through...yes I am talking about Caroline Flack, her words "Be Kind" ring true, it doesn't cost much to have manners, if you don't like something scroll past, if you don't like, leave...its simple! This is one o the reasons why i will post this blog rather than send to out as am subscription...this is your choice whether to want to read this or not, i must warn you as I am writing i will probably shed tears, maybe have a laugh to lighten the mood but this is all real...this is how i am haling and coming back...yes this is a shit subject to talk about but if anything over the last 2 months has taught me anything, we need to talk about it....and its ok to talk about it......xxxxx
What i have realised until it happens to you, you find out that there is a lot of people who have been through similar, even family members.....but no one ever talks about it....I got pregnant really quickly actually, within a month o coming of my pill, I fell pregnant the second week of December. I was so shocked, not bad shocked, but really happy shocked. I actually left the test in the bathroom forgetting all about it until Darcey found it and she was like..."mum why is there a pregnancy test in the bathroom?" I thought fuck, i forgotten all about that so i made an excuse and said it was a clients that i was helping with fertility..and she was testing to see if she was pregnant...Darcey not being like a 10-year old you would think, as they would normally be like ok..no Darcey says "mum you never had any clients today" What can you say....so i lied...i told her that it was left a week ago...did she buy what i said? Of course not!!!!
I was so soo excite...i had it all planned out in my head....it took me a week after i found out to tell J....I bought him a daddy to be card and put in the pregnancy test...showing i was 2-3 weeks..and gave it him...i was sooo nervous telling him...i don't even know why, because the baby was planned and we had talked about it.....we agreed that we would tell Darcey on Christmas day, but James didn't want to....i told him she probably already knew, she wasn't daft....or being 10 she is so well aware....i don't actually know how i managed to keep it a secret....i told a few of my close friends - you all know who you are and my 2 sisters....my sister H was sooo excited....my sister K, well lets say she was like WTF! but then was happy for me, but in shock at the same time....i ordered Darcey a t-shirt that said "I'm going to be a big sister" and a card....we saved this present till lat...omg....you could not make this up...i have it on video, but just lets say at first when she found out she was like...really! sooo funny, but i think the whole Christmas day, t was out first Christmas with J, so she was getting used to being a family unit, the whole day was overwhelming and then being told she was going to be a big sister....we swore her to secrecy - still don't know how we managed that...as we didn't tell my mum and dad till the next day - boxing day.....
Boxing day arrived and we went to my mum and dad's for dinner as usual where me and my two sisters go every year for our Christmas dinner...so drove down to my mums, i was actual so nervous..i mean i am 421 years old...why was i nervous...well firstly because this was the first time my family were meeting J!!! and to then top it off i was sooo nervous that he would feel overwhelmed - so i told my mum first - omg...she was shocked to say the least...she just wasn't expecting it....but she soon took the news in and was soo happy....then i told my dad...he was delighted with the news, he actual took it better than my mum!
Everyone in my family now knew.....then my gran went into hospital.....we knew she had pneumonia , but we didn't realise how bad it was....just a few days later she was admitted into hospital, now my gran as most know loves her bingo...Bingo Lil...as i mention when i chat about her...she actually wanted to go to hospital...not like her at all....so we knew there was something wrong, but a few months before she had pneumonia and it was missed, so she became paranoid and worried that she would become ill again....so my mum took a few days off work and went to Manchester to see my gran....we weren't prepared for what happened next.....my gran was seriously ill...the hospital was doing everything to make her better and she should have been getting better, but unfortunately it was her time to go....they couldn't understand she was meant to be getting better....we genuinely thought she would be here for a another few years, even my mum thought that too....but sadly it wasn't meant to be.....
My gran passed on Sunday 12th January, at 4pm....my mum was devastated....my dad called me...i knew...the minute that i saw my dad appear on my phone - he never calls me unless its an emergency - he told me the news....i was devastated....i felt like a fraud....i felt that i had a cheek to cry and be upset...i didn't make an effort to phone my gran every weekend, or just leave her a message, i hadn't saw her since Darcey was a baby...when she came to see us, i could have done more,....i could have took tome out to make the effort...i could have...these are words that we think of after the event....if only....its a human response....i think i was more upset for my mum.....my dad then said that i should give my mum a call.....i couldn't ....what the fuck do i say....i knew she wouldn't be able to talk...she phoned me one day from the hospital and broke down and i didn't know what to say then....i was trying to be positive and saying that gran was a stubborn old bag and there was no way she would give up without a fight!.... i never saw my mum, like that...once when i was younger, which she thinks i don't remember but i do....its in my book.....i mean this is what i mean...we are so taboo about subjects like death and miscarriage and domestic violence that it all gets brushed under the carpet and because it is awkward no one really knows how to deal with it....the next day i phoned my dad just to see if he how he was and how my mum was...he said she was ok and was talking....he mentioned the funeral....well......this is where it all began.....
I called my mum and explained the reason why i didn't call straight away...i knew she would be devastated and that there was no way she would want to talk....so i asked what was happening with the funeral arrangements....she said she understood if i didn't go and no one would think less o me....well i went mad....i wanted to say bye to my gran....but i had no one to watch darcey....it wasn't like i was jumping on a bus to go into town..this was a 4 hour train ride....did i really want to put Darcey through this, she was aware that her GG had passed and was upset....but was it appropriate or her to go to the funeral because i was being selfish....i decided that wouldn't go and me and Darcey would do our own memorial for my Gran...in our own way...so we did.....
So what a month January was...great start to the year, but we still had my happy news....well so we thought....so i went for my booking appointment or my pregnancy as its all changed now...you don't need to go to the Dr. but i did cos i'm old school....what a palava this was.....my mum ended up coming with me and i had to keep darcey of school....my appointment was for 9,30 in the morning...J had his driving test at 11.45....no way was i going to be out the hospital or that time...i was sooo stressing....and just as well...it took 2 midwives to ind a vein and an hour to get blood out of me....i didn't get out the hospital until 11.30...imagine J did come and there was no way he would be sitting his driving test....so as my pregnancy has progressed, i had this sort f cyst on my tummy right in the middle - i am not going into detail as its not very nice, but turned out i then got referred to A& E as it wasn't clearing up with the medication i was given... at this point i am 9 weeks pregnant and still none the wiser.....gets to A&E and have to go to the surgery part...so sitting waiting and i get called....i have to give blood...now this is the day of my Grans funeral....i took a total melt down in the ward....i was like i have a pure fear of needles and blood...i cant do this....i need to be numb...i was actually ready for running out the hospital....i know but this shows how bad my fear is....i can handle most things but not needles.....which would have freaked me out more if my pregnancy continued...because i'm a fat bird....i had to inject myself everyday at 28 weeks and beyond so i didn't get blood clots...again...Elma cream to the rescue....i can't live without this stuff.... so the staff nurse found me some cream... didn't really plaster it on the way i do...cos let me tell you...these bad boy needles i aint feeling....there was also a nurse from another hospital shadowing that day and she really held my hand...especially when i had to get a local anaesthetic in your tummy...even with the elma cream i could fuckin Feel it...NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!! BUT I DID IT...I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF...I GAVE BLOOD....GO ME...AND I GOT SURGERY......so everything was fine or so i thought.....
A couple of weeks later, i'm now 11 weeks, so excited i go for my scan n the 10th Feb, this is my 12 week scan and i will get to see my baby,....now in between this time i had been jokingly telling people that i was having twins - how right was i - i just knew....this pregnancy was totally different....i had been getting signs for twins appearing on my social media....anyways..it was the Thursday and i had been sitting at the computer most o the day trying to get my course completed....when i need the toilet - i know too much info - but it make sense in the story....and i looks down and i see blood, its only light,...now the reason why i didn't panic at this point is because i went through this with Darcey at 10 weeks and was in and out the early pregnancy unit...and just before Christmas the same thing happened...i called the hospital and the midwife on duty was amazing...she told me it was just my body changing and that i should re-test in a few days and then a week and to get back in touch...but i was ok...or so i thought.... , but it was when i saw something come away thats when i started panicking...i started crying...i was like omg....i grabbed my phone and called the early pregnancy unit...they took my details and said a midwife will call me back...i swear this was the longest 2 hours of my life......i phoned my friend and just broke down....i couldn't stop crying..and every possibility was going through my head...i could still feel the baby move..i could still feel movement, i wasn't in any pain...why was i bleeding...i had been good...i stopped drinking coffee altogether...i was on hot chocolate...i was taking my vitamins and folic acid...i was trying to watch what i was eating, but there was days where i wasn't hungry....not sure i it was the pregnancy or the cyst that caused this...J came home as he was staying the night and he just looked at me and i burst into tears....i told him what had happened and hes like don't worry its all going to be ok.....he was trying to be positive, but i knew deep in my heart there was something wrong..i was in denial and i wanted to believe that i would be ok....the midwife called about 4.30 and i explained what happened....she booked me in for an emergency scan on the Saturday at 1pm...at the Queen Elizabeth....the worst 48 hours of my life...i have never prayed so hard in my entire life...i am not a religious person.. yes i believe in angels and the universe but this time i called on God! i was researching about miscarriages, why was i not getting any symptoms...why wasn't i in pain....,all these questions couldn't be answered...
Saturday arrived and it was the longest morning ever...eventually it was 1pm and we arrived at the hospital or the appointment...only to be taken at 1.20pm...how do i know this shit...i was clock watching and just kept watching....then we got called...i asked Darcey to wait outside and J would come and get her...plus the midwife n duty wasn't the nicest...She was quite abrupt with the ultra sound thing..it was actually feeking sore...she like..i'm going to have to do an internal...i'm not finding anything....her attitude wasn't the best..she asked me to strip of my bottom half and gave me a cover...i went to the toilet and got changed....she abruptly did an internal...again not the nicest of attitudes...she fidgeted about with the monitor and then say i can see the sac. now it looks like there was twins...what so you means was twins i asked...well she said they are nit the size they should be and only shows us one...then she proceeds to say she can't ind any heartbeat..what happened to the other...she continues to mess about and then says it looks like you have miscarried...but i can't be definite..you will need to come back in a week, but it wont be until the Monday to be scanned again and be told officially...she handed me this piece o written paper with a time and date for my next scan and that was it...i was left for 9 days to find out if i was miscarrying and left to deal with whatever thoughts were going though my mind..no support no nothing...i was just mean to carry on as usual.....i was totally devastated...my world was shattered....my little girl had to be told she might not be a big sister... and that she might not have twin siblings....
Walking out that room was the hardest thing i ever had to do and look at my daughter and explain that she might not have any siblings...she was totally crushed...she was sooo excited...a few weeks before she had bought a baby outfit..she had saved her money up to buy herself....i was totally devastated for her...walking back to the car seemed like forever..i couldn't talk..i was sooo angry, i was so upset and the way we were just left..J kept telling me everything would be ok and they could have got it wrong...i started getting angry with him and i shouldn't have..i said there was no heartbeat J....he was like but you have been through this with Darcey...yeah but Darcey had a heartbeat..there was nothing...they didn't get it wrong...then he angered me even more and said is it because yo your reiki this happened....i said o course not! reiki is an energy...this supports pregnancy....but i suppose he was looking for answers too...and obviously he has had reiki and knows what it is. ts still a air question to ask...i stared questioning myself...was it my job...was it cos i was stressing... a few days ago in my study group someone asked the same question...can reiki be used in early pregnancy...i was on the bandwagon and said that it would support.... all research has proved it supports from fertility right through....some more experience practitioners said they would avoid the first 12 weeks incase it got blamed for miscarriage or something else, but my response was that if someone was going to miscarry it could happen at any time even after the 12 weeks...and the reiki never does any harm! so the drive back to the house was sombre...i couldn't stop crying..i had to pull over and let J drive i was that bad....i got home and started researching.....
How can i be miscarrying i am not in any pain...i'm not bleeding...i only bled for a couple o hours and that was it!!! They got it wrong...didn't they...so i started looking into various research on miscarriage..i wasn't given any proper answers from the hospital...i needed to understand myself....i looked up symptoms, nope not displaying any of these...why miscarriage happens, well the first one was being overweight...well it doesn't cause it, but it doesn't help either....there wasn't much information, because its a hush hush subject, something that no one wants to talk about...why..its life...i know and understand that its not the nicest o subjects to talk about, but because its not talked about it can causes PTSD< depression and other mental health issues...your made to feel like a failure....you feel isolated and alone...thinking your the only person going through it....and this makes it harder to cope with and move forward..because your not dealing with the pain and letting yourself heal.....
For then next 9 days i didn't go on my page..i didn't go on b, i just cried, i prayed and i asked the universe to please give me good news..if it wasn't for those around me, Darcey and J and my family i think i would have broke....i think what also helped was the fact of what i have been doing over the last 5 years and becoming a life coach, doing reiki, my past life regression, working with spirit i had a different outlook on things...if this happened 6 years ago...i would have probably been in a different place to now.....everyone was checking in on me..making sure i was ok,...but i would have good day and bad....i just had to get through these days...i could still feel movement, what the fuck was going in...i prayed that one of the babies would be safe....as the midwife never mentioned anything about the other baby...i had hope! this is what kept me going...i had to be strong for Darcey...she needed me too...she was still my baby....
The Monday arrived and i got ready to go for my scan...this was it,...the day i find out if i miscarried....still no pain, no bleeding and feeling something....we got into the hospital and we were taken into a room to answer some questions....the midwife was amazing...i told her that i was upset with the way we had been treated the Sat before, i felt there was no empathy and it was like well o you go...she could not have been nicer....we then went into the scan room. where i had to have another internal scan....the sonographer was amazing...she explained everything and even told us what she doing and why she was doing it...but unfortunately i had lost both babies....it was like reliving the nightmare all over again....but this time i felt prepared...she gave me and J a moment to come to terms with what happened and then we went back into the room where we given options....i had to choose to ave the babies removed by surgery otherwise i couldn't go on holiday...i couldn't devastate darcey again by telling her the holiday was cancelled..it was bad enough she was officially going to be told that her twin siblings were lost...and were rainbow babies....i was given a envelope with 2 scan pictures, the midwife had kindly have me a scan o each o the babies...and gave me a number to call the miscarriage association......i left the hospital devastated but i had some closure...i felt more aware of what type of miscarriage i had - this was a missed miscarriage where someone doesn't display any symptoms....and its actually really common...
I collected Darcey from school and when i got home i explained to her what happened and if she wanted to see the babies scan pics...this gave her closure too...thats when she said "Mum, your strong and you will get through this just like me” I have created one strong girl…and since i wrote the post it really has helped me manage my emotions and made it more real because i was able to talk about it....for me talking and writing about ti started the healing process.....i wanted to let other know that they are not alone...there is other people this is happening to...i wanted to let people know that its ok to talk about it...its ok...to ask for support and its ok to be sad....
Literally the next day, well afternoon, i got a call from the hospital saying that my operation would be on Thursday....i had to go for my pre-op on Wednesday....i did this part myself..i had too...i needed closure and it was only form filling and getting blood taken... which again took them about an hour....i had an ecg and was told my heart was healthy...not bad for a at bird! and i am not diabetic...again being overweight....i am actually really healthy.....but the best bit of closure i got was when i found out hen the babies passed....i found out that they passed at 5 and 7 weeks.....i think knowing this really helped me...it gave me the information i wanted....but why did i still feel movement....that i will never know....but the midwife was amazing and explained everything about what was going to happen....not that i wanted to know the medical procedure....my mum came to stay with me as i had to be at the hospital for 7.30 in the morning for my procedure....but in the Tuesday night before i went or my pre-op the strangest thing happened...Darcey wanted to come in bed beside me...so we were watching tv ...the whole house in darkness and then the we hear a click - someone switched on the bathroom light...and then of again....it was soo surreal....then after my op on Thursday my kitchen light kept flickering....
I know that my spirit team were with me, after i came out o surgery on Thursday all i could smell in the room was Cerutti 1888...i don't know who was with me at the time, but it certainly helped me....
I know that i will never get over what has happened and my babies will always be with me...i'm hoping that what i have wrote today will help others and know they are not alone...also anyone who ha been through this it helps them to know that they can get over the pain...it will never go away and there will be good and bad days..but talking, and writing about it has really helped me process and grieve..i am now grieving differently and by speaking out it has helped me heal....
If this didn't happen to me, yeah your right i wouldn't be talking about it, but i think there should be more in early pregnancy, i know from research that they may scan you earlier f you have had a miscarriage in the past, but this should not be the case....if i got a scan at 8 weeks, which research shows that a babies heartbeat can be asses at 7 weeks...this would save a lot o heart ache or people...i went through nearly a 13 week pregnancy thinking i was pregnant when i had actually lost my babies about 6 and 8 weeks prior...thats not good....
I found this on a blog....which shows that if a early scan was given - A 1999 longitudinal study of 325 women in the United Kingdom who had a history of miscarriage reported that if a heartbeat is detected at 6 weeks, there’s a 78 percent chance of the pregnancy continuing. At 8 weeks, there’s a 98 percent chance, and it goes up to 99.4 percent after 10 weeks......
For me i had amazing friends that i have met through my reiki who have checked in on me while i was going through this, people who checked in on me when they found out what i was going through and this showed me that people really care and regardless of whats happened they are willing to show me support...this showed who my friends were...considering i have none...mmh......my family have been amazing...especially my mum and sister who both took days off their work to come to the hospital with me...and J and Darcey for being my rock....xxx
If anyone needs support and someone to talk to you can contact the Miscarriage Association....there is a Glasgow support group who meet at New Victoria Hospital on the 1st Thursday of the month....the contact person is Mana and she can be called any evening on 0141 942 8088 or there is a national helpline which is avail Mon-Fri from 9-4pm on 01924 200799.......having worked on helplines they are vital and can be a great support..i know some people don't want to call..but please know i am always here if you wish to chat....xxxxx
Rachelle xxxxxxx
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